| Apologies for Honesty |
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| 10:59pm 12/05/2008 |
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music: A Static Lullaby - The Art of Sharing Lovers
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In the dark, you count the seconds
Til the bottle’s empty, and so is your mind.
Waiting for a full effect and avalance that
Wipes this life away.
If this corruption leaks into the open sea
How can we cure a life of wasting away?
When everything, everything has wasted away.
I remember a day when sobriety was
My sanctity from what you became.
Love the drunk but hate the father.
But even in darkness I can see you.
It’s too soon, to be over this.
(Apologies for honesty) |
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| 01:41pm 23/04/2008 |
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I'm in a weird mood today.
Lots of things are going through my head.
I'm not sure where these thoughts are leading me, but im going alone. Thats the only thing im certain of. I've felt alone for every year of my life, no connection with family in the early years, no friends connected long enough, and now i've expected as much. It's not that i dont connect to people, but I always feel a distance, even when i had a girlfriend, they were always not there in my eyes. I'm okay with this for the day to day. But just once i just wish i knew the other side. I'm getting tired of finding interests to be far from permanence. Maybe i havent found enough of myself yet to settle. Maybe i'll never really settle.
This shouldnt sound as negative as it probably is.
After each time i end an interest in a girl, i find the first thoughts being "okay, i wasnt ready for that anyway, i need to do more in my own life before im ready" Wish i knew what i'm looking for, what i need to experience, to know what is missing. |
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| weird |
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| 12:13am 14/04/2008 |
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k dont ask where this came from, or why i wrote it, or whats going through my mind. Because in all essence this is random thought at its best.
Eyes
I was wrong about the color
They were never grey in the first place.
And now shine blue like the arctic.
Did i tell you these eyes were always yours?
Oh well.
I'm not sure where this letter is heading, but i'll be sure to mail my intentions with it.
To you.
And remember, for every time I stuttered, there were a hundred ways i wanted to say how i felt.
In the end.
It was for you. |
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| 05:10pm 24/02/2008 |
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this is schultz trying to help me learn spanish:
encorvate y permitame ponerlo en tu cula
chupame
mamame la verga puta
lol is this progress? |
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| 09:43pm 17/02/2008 |
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this was a great weekend. wow. |
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| Damn all these beautiful girls... |
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| 10:13am 28/01/2008 |
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No longer feeling the need to be Madison's Martyr, its great to look back on the last two years and see each event thats changed me for the better. And furthermore, looking on situations where i used to falter and fail in my eyes, now im strong, and will not crumble to simple-emotion areas of my life. I know where things need improvement and i'm finally making the efforts and creating structure to adjust those. And only time will show if that structuring worked, or if i need to try again.
Its my second semester @ UW-Madison, loving every minute, cept waking up realizing my alarm didnt go off this morning, so i missed my English Class, but i guess thats better than sleeping through my Psych class. I can get around my Eng. class, but not my Behav. Psych class.
So what else can i add to this, since its been so long since ive updated this:
My love life?
-Nothing big happening in it, just enjoying whats out there, open to whatever will happen to me, if i find something thats worth it, then great, if not... i got plenty of time.
My job situation?
-Still sort of working @ Vitense, but im looking for a new job, somewhere downtown.
My partying?
-Slowing down from what i was doing this past semester/Winter break. I figure if i can at least make 1 month with only getting drunk once a week, then i'll be proud.
Future plans?
-Im going to San Fran in May, it'll be fun, me and my bro will be doin it up out there. I think if i can get some good scratch too, at the end of the summer or during it i might get some cash together and go either visit Chelsea out in NY or at least go spend some time with my cousin out there. Bout damn time i start traveling like i always wanted.
yeah i'm running low on things to talk about, and its time for me to start my history reading. Catch ya l8er all the loyal bored readers. |
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| 12:41am 07/12/2007 |
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its a new concept. a new thing for me to try out. not an autobiography, not a journal, something more and yet something so undefined it seems like the lack of limits removes any importance.
whats great about it, is for the moment i know what is written, or at least what has been written. and though i really couldnt care if someone were to read it at anytime because it is.. exactly what comes out of my head, i dont intend on sharing with people on here. This never was what it pretends to be. I cant be honest on here, i never could, thats why i filled up half of the space ive used with quotes from songs, although those probably captured the feelings at those moments the best.
but right now, at this moment, i have no song, no quote, no line to sing, and im alright with that. you should be too |
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| 09:16pm 11/11/2007 |
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music: The starting line - Island
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so whats up with me? i am in desperate need of a hair cut. but at the same time this whole longer hair is kind of fun. maybe sometime later this year i'll actually do it right. who knows?
but yeah put that with the facial hair thats coming in nicely.
but how is life for me right now? great, im getting a better handle on school, and though i desperately need to find a better job... im not stressing about that. no more drama with friends, i gotta love that. and after a very entertaining thursday night, a simple friday night and a great night yesterday. im loving life again. i've definetly noticed a difference in me, and i think its the optimism in the lady department, again entertaining things happen when i dont expect it.
this is what its all about. i wish i could explain that one better, but i dont need to. if you could see how sincere my smile is when i read this you'd believe it all. |
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| 09:13pm 24/10/2007 |
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Halloween weekend is approaching fast, what am i going to be for halloween? A priest! so...if the ladies have some sins to confess, private confessional meetings can be arranged. otherwise you can just pray on your knees and say 10 hail Mary's
so where are my altar boys or school girls?
other than that, the plan for the weekend is to party downtown friday night, and then sat night spend some time out there and then eventually go to mer's place.
life is getting progressively better again i guess, outside of school being really stressful.. im not as bummed out about things ive written in the past. i guess all that shit got me to make progress. |
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| 10:31pm 17/10/2007 |
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music: Thrice - Alchemy Index 1 & 2
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so i was reading today from The Remains of the Day.. the novel i have to finish for english 168. and there was one point in reading that the situation or some part of the situation going on during in the story that reminded me of my own. And what happened? i realized exactly what the character should do..and poof i figured out what i needed to do. Not dwell on the past events as bad things, just because they wont repeat themselves. Instead when the memories do occur i'll just enjoy them for what they are, good memories.
so what does this mean for me? means that i may have found another epiphany that'll bring me to a better place in my life.
and to add to that, i have spent the last few weeks figuring out what else i can do to adjust my thoughts and actions to decrease the amount of negative thoughts. and when ur brother starts calling you drama queen charleen u know theres something you can change. so i have another thing to add to the list of changes.
dont expect many inventive or emotionally open away msgs on aim.. that'll be one change i plan to make. instead im keeping it all funny or informative. why shouldnt you keep life amusing and interesting? you spend too much moping or trying to "explain" what you feel you end up being seen as a nuisance and just trying to get attention in the wrong ways. if you need to be heard, you need to tell the people you know will care. and being people who care they should be able to help or at least listen. |
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| the wounded soldier lined up on the table... |
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| 10:43pm 10/10/2007 |
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music: Bayside - Baby Britain
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you think ur done with the feelings. and then one dream brings back all the memories. whats worse is they arent bad memories. they are great memories and you wish they were bad, because then changing ur feelings would be much easier. but no, its not easy. its something thats been eating at me for months, and im not even sure ive told more than one or two ppl. the only reason one knows is because i was in such an upset wreck i had to get it out and they were the only one online.. as sad as that is. and again the answer i didnt want to hear came to me. i know what i should do according to him, but i still cant get it out of my mouth. and it kills me. i think part of it now is that id feel like such an idiot after all this time to tell someone whats going on in my head. that ive not been able to say it for this long. and where do i go from there? is the simple telling them supposed to make me feel better? or does my friends expect me to suddenly get into a conversation about it and take it further or something. i dont want what he expected i would want. i just want closure, simple enough and again i cant find what i want.
i really dont expect ppl to respond to this, its just me saying whats what in my head, and describing why ive been having a shitty day and cant focus. :-/
... For someone half ass smart, you'd be a work of art... |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 09:50pm 02/10/2007 |
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music: This Will Destroy You - Quiet
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what do you do when things distract you so much that you cant focus?... you get done earlier w. work to study but instead you are so busy with other thoughts u just cant focus. So what happens you sit here, and do the best things you can to take ur mind off of it.
what did i do: i learned how to open a bottle of beer w. a piece of paper, and i tabbed out free style the song "Quiet" by This will destroy you... its one of the few songs i can listen to nowadays and just.. relax, grow more tired. and help me sleep.
i started eventually working on my class stuff.
but really i just cant get this shit out of my head.
i think i need a good nights rest to clear my head. its all too much to take in and think about right now. a mental health day is what i need. and its not what i will be seeing any time soon. |
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| 09:15pm 11/09/2007 |
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Hello Goodbye (Never again)
No need to explain
I've already learned my lesson
With the mistakes we've been caught up with
We've slowed to keep discretion
low...
Now there's no need for second chances
I've already closed down that road
I've grown tired of the heat and the passion
It's time to reap all that you sow
And now i wait patiently time will tell me
When my next mistake will be.
I've got the message
Our pasts crossed paths
And thats something to stick with
But remember you were called the past for this reason
You dont give up never shut up and wait til i play the fool again
...no more... no more... (why cant you see that)
I'm happy i'm alone
I'm in the life that i want to live
I share it with no one
The little me is thanking me for opening up action
la la la la laaaaaaaa |
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| 11:39am 21/07/2007 |
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its a simple rule i forgot in the past weeks. i had too much fun that i let what my original plan was this summer go away.
do not search for those who want you til you are content with what you are.
in terms of how i live my life, i want to be: in better shape, a better mood, a happier place, surrounded by people who dont make me feel like shit.
now i dont need to say which still needs changing.. but some if not a fair amount of them do.
i'm sick of meeting future/potential relationships during times when i am at the lowest of lows. yes they bring me up from those. but its not the same me as when im happy. and they need to meet that person first and foremost.
if you want to know why im not dating or why i havent gotten laid.. its these reasons. amongst a few more. if you want to give me shit about it thinking im not smooth enough, or im not able to get either a relationship or sex. well then you dont know me or just simply are fucking stupid. but i digress... no actually for those who think those kinds of things need to be brought up.. FUCK YOU.
you bring us down. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| 05:50pm 17/07/2007 |
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solitary |
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| what'chu talkin bout? |
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| 06:28am 11/07/2007 |
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music: The Starting Line - Bedroom talk
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riddle me this. how can a person who for the longest time was thought of as a hopeless romantic, someone who was looking for that one special person to be with...how can they now be so terrified of being in a bad relationship that they subconsciously start to avoid many possible interactions that would lead to such. this has included getting laid at times. have i felt the right connection before? yes. do i feel it now? no. do i have a problem with naturally flirting w. any girl im able to? yes.
would i want a relationship if i found that connection again? |
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| 05:04pm 29/06/2007 |
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fuck... panic attack starting now |
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| 10:21pm 14/06/2007 |
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So.. as i drive my car, i suddenly start to have thoughts about things that happened long time ago. Three years ago. Not happy time. But its not even the really sad upsetting parts of that summer. Its the others, its looking back and realizing i coulda done something that i had wanted. I dont regret the past, its what makes us who we are. But i tonight is a night to wonder about the what ifs. Good or bad. |
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| 04:12pm 01/06/2007 |
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music: Hit the lights - Body bag
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i could use this time to rant and piss and moan about whats going wrong in my life. but it dawns on me, the more a person rants and complains, the shittier its all going to get for them. Why complain when you could simply look to whats good in your life? I know there are some cases where the bad is engulfing all of a persons life. but thats not normal and in fact is fairly rare. for the normal person (and im using the term loosely) if they are wrapped up in all the bad and refuse to think that their is good things, well that means the good things that they dont seem to realize exist all should be taken away from them for awhile, lets see if they realize how good they had it before.
so in closing.
life is good, no complaints. |
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| 07:33am 23/05/2007 |
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music: All time low - Coffee shop soundtrack
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and slowly things start to bother me...
2 things im noticing are really getting to me.
and finding that my dreams are filled with what could have been.
i didnt want this, never.
but i'm not letting any of it get me down. and you remember that. |
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